The Heart Of Leadership Communication

This is about two boys in a schoolyard. These boys had a dispute, as schoolboys - and girls - can do. One of the boys wanted to play the game one way and the other disagreed; he wanted to play it his way. One of the boys said something about the other boy which then upset the other boy and so there was a certain amount of verbal retaliation before they took it to the next level - and stopped talking. Now, these boys usually had quite a deal of influence on the other boys so the dispute started to affect the others in the class, to the point where schoolwork suffered for all. Skirmishes even broke out in the corridors and even the classroom.

Sound familiar?

The problem is that this particular story isn't about a real schoolyard but the story is real. This ‘schoolyard’ is, in fact, a large corporation - and the two boys are senior executives with a combined annual income of around $500,000 (not including bonuses).

These two executives, paid handsomely for their wisdom, skill and, one would have also hoped, their leadership skills, lack the ‘emotional' wisdom to effectively deal with issues which, at their sources, are fuelled by ‘emotional drivers'.

The size of the class, in the case of these two boys, is around 8,000 people. Whilst the immediate impact of their dispute was limited to a group of associates, the residual - or ripple - effect is significant and the cost, therefore, to the organisation – could be significant. Decisions are delayed, plans put on hold, attitudes coloured, time is wasted on ‘managing’ the situation, let alone handling the repair and any residual damage arising because of the dispute.

This situation was related to me by an associate of the two. He’d become the ‘go-between’ for the two ‘boys', as he reported directly to one of them.

Does this sort of ‘schoolyard' situation happen often? You bet!

Sometimes boys leave the school as a result of schoolyard disagreements or are even expelled.

Many people still use the conditioning they gained as young children and revert when confronted by a bully or a threat or a disagreement as they did in the schoolyard.

Organisations can’t measure the cost of such internal disagreements. The effect may be minor and pass in a few moments but in many cases the fall-out lingers and, where serious rifts have occurred, the affected parts of the organisation can become dysfunctional. Conflict resolution programs may become necessary, and if the issues have escalated, the process may have to move to mediation.

Many companies simply ignore the issue and hope it will go away. But there is still likely to be a cost.

The alternative option, that of no conflict, is clearly the preferred course.

Rather than a suite of repair and recovery strategies or invoking damage control protocols, clever organisations recognise that an understanding of individual emotional management is a key factor in leading to Conflict Prevention.

How many schoolyard tactics do you see in your office or maybe in the behaviour of some of the other people you interact with?

How much more effective we can be and how much more productive can organisations be if managers – leaders – elevate their communication strategies above the level of the negative emotional drivers to which they have become conditioned.

Often, people in these situations are caught up in their own sense of being ‘right’ that they are unable to deal with the situation – as their negative emotions take over in the communication process.

It is too late after an outburst which was fuelled by out-of-control negative emotions to say "I shouldn't have said that", "I shouldn't have (verbally) attacked that person as I did" or “Maybe I should have said that differently”.

Too late - the damage has been done. The other person has felt emotionally assailed, offended, hurt and has raised their emotional defence barriers or retreated to lick their emotional wounds - or, as in the case of the school boys, are out of control and caught in the mire of conflict, often irreparably.

So now - if you can - you begin the recovery process.

The recovery process is far more difficult than a process which has you empowered to deal in a real-time, more measured approach.

The key to success in situations of conflict or stress brought on by another person or a situation over which the individual has limited or even no control, is 'real-time emotional self-regulation'.

Learning and practicing the process of real-time emotional self-regulation means that people will have solid, effective conflict prevention skills. Developing the skill of being aware of emotions when they arise in a situation of stress or conflict is the key to avoiding conflict. Once we recognise the emotion reaction we can, in a learned and conscious way, choose a reaction which will better manage the process to a preferred outcome.

In addition, this process actually enables people to facilitate ‘forward moving thinking’ in other people.

Our emotions are with us all the time - at home, at work, always. The fact that in a given situation someone may not show any emotions, or they were ‘emotionless’, is in itself an emotional response.

Real-time emotional check-in - or self-regulation - will vastly improve the outcomes you are seeking in communication. The ability to manage your emotions is a learned skill - and takes guidance and practice.

Understanding your emotions and working with the emotions of others will improve the way you walk through life – and will directly impact on the success of the organisation you are leading and success of the people who look to you as a leader.

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